You've seen these lists in your news feed--"10 Things You Should Never Ask a [Military Wife/Librarian/Parent/Teacher/etc...]." Occasionally intended to be helpful, sometimes entertainingly snarky, and often downright disgruntled, these lists have become a pet peeve of mine. I come from the worlds of information and education, where "the only stupid question is the one you don't ask." That alone is enough to make me cringe at these lists. Throw in the fact that they often belittle people for not understanding precisely the thing they are recommending they not ask about and I don't just cringe, I also scratch my head, totally perplexed.
Many of the questions that make these lists cut to the core of our insecurities or appear to originate from a place of judgement, which are very good reasons some people don't like them. If the questions bother you, don't answer them. Sometimes, "Why are you curious?" or "I'm not comfortable talking about that" are fine responses. Letting people know they have entered your "do not share" territory is better than declaring that no one should ever ask anyone else that question. If you choose not to answer, please don't spend a bunch of time detailing what people shouldn't ask you and then droning on about how no one understands you, your job, or your lifestyle. I would encourage you to consider these questions opportunities to educate and connect with people so they do understand you a little better.
When we choose to keep the lines of communication open and respond kindly to sometimes cringe-worthy questions, we invite conversation that has the potential to engender connections and facilitate greater understanding.
In that spirit, and in no particular order, I'm going to respond to five questions (answering ten seemed like it may push the bounds of your patience) that are at the top of a number of the lists that pop up regularly in my social media feeds and that I have fielded in real life in the past few months.
What not to ask a military spouse...
Aren't you scared something will happen while your soldier is deployed?
Yes. Absolutely. Some deployments more than others, some days more than others, sometimes because of the news and sometimes because it just sucks to not know at this very moment that someone I love so very much is safe. I am scared, but I am not immobilized by fear. My soldier is in my heart every moment, and my concern for his safety is, too, but I can still enjoy a birthday party, a hike with our son, a good book, and plenty of other regular-life stuff. (I confess that I love that this question implies someone is thinking about my feelings and trying to connect with what my life must be like.)
Don't you think it is bad for your military child(ren) to move around all the time?
I don't know. I hope moving around means my son is developing friendships, resiliency, and the idea that his life goals need not be tied to one place on a map. Moving is my favorite and least-favorite thing about military life, I imagine it is the same for my kid.
What not to ask a parent....
Do you work?
I'm in library school right now. What kind of things do you do to keep busy? (I'm assuming that people ask this question in an effort to spark conversation and not as a way of evaluating my worth. I have been a stay-at-home spouse, a working spouse, a volunteer, a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, and a combination of a few of these at any given time--all of those roles have value, so I'm not shy about using them as a conversation starter when asked "Do you work?")
What not to ask a library student...
Why is it going to take you two years to learn the Dewey Decimal system?
Have you seen all the numbers involved in the Dewey Decimal system? And, in library school we cover information organization and access, administration, information policy, motivation and literacy, and lots of other things you do and don't see traditional librarians do. I could totally give away some behind-the-scenes secrets if you are interested. (I do roll my eyes at this question, but I also smile and laugh and take the opportunity to share a little bit about what librarians really do--and how many kinds of librarians there are if I have the time!)
What not to ask a librarian...
You need a degree to become a librarian?
For what I want to do, yes. There are some libraries (like my local library right now) where the director is a Librarian in Practice (in this case with a business degree). And, there are plenty of jobs in many libraries that are handled by paraprofessionals (like the circulation job I had at one time). Most librarian jobs, though, require a Library and Information Science degree. Are you curious about librarians? Or what we learn in school? (At this point they will either glaze over and change the subject or get really excited about library school.)
See, that wasn't so hard.
Have more questions? Seriously, go ahead and ask me.
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